why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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