A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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