I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
His nipple licking is glorious
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