It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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