It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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