I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
