My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
