she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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