In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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