my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
