What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
