Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
