You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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