dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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