Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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