If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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