She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
