exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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