i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
