i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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