A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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