Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
