I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
