You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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