The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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