I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My pussy is not your playground.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
