Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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