So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I party with great urgency now.
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