ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
