dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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