note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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