In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
