That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
