Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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