I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
