girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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