so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
