i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
