youre lurking in front of me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
