Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
