Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
