I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
