I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
