wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
