He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I didn't notice because vodka
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
