So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
