i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
