tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
