just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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