Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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